If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
All I want is dick and wine.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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