and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
