at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
