My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize