I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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