There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
