i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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