Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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