I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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