i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
