Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
