There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize