Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
