it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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