What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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