What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize