I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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