I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I supernannyed him into submission
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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