Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
