New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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