My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
