A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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