it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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