Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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