Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
