i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
