I just made out with a guy for $7.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
