Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize