I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
