I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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