Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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