I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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