do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
All I want is dick and wine.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
