i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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