My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
