I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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