the new term for farting is butt boxing.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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