I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
