sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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