Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
