y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I skipped work to stalk him.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
