Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
