wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
being pregnant is like rehab
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
