Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
