Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
