Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i love accidental penises.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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