Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
