His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
