Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You smell like stripper and shame
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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