I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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