I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
