How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
