maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
We need a shit load of segways right now
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
