I think I died a long time ago.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
