I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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