He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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