OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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