I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
