yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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