yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
