kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
