Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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