I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
