me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
