It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
40s are totally the cure
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
