do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Pooping to opera.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
