I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
