im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
