I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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