you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize