dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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