Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
